Sunshine on a Sunday

So I’ve been in Mongolia almost 3 weeks and yes…this is the first time I’m posting a real update. But on the other hand…hey! I’m posting a story for you! :) Oh and by the way, in case you haven’t noticed yet, I like to write a lot of words all at once. So grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable…

So yesterday morning (Sunday, that is) I got to sleep in until 8:45am. By the time I got up the sun was shining as it almost always does here, but I never grow tired of sunshine. It was about 60 degrees outside (very warm for October in Mongolia!), I was well rested and quite at peace.

Church here in UB (a.k.a. – Ulaanbaatar) starts pretty late. I’ve been touring different Church groups until I decide to make one my “home” while I’m here – anyways, all the Church gatherings I’ve been too have started at 10:30am…at the very earliest. The latest I’ve heard of starts at 2pm. Mongolians like to sleep. I completely agree with them.  :)  

My friend from the office didn’t pick me up until 10:30am (although it was actually 10:40am because in Mongolian time it’s pretty normal to be a little late) and then we walked to the bus stop. I live in downtown UB, but she was taking me to her church on the very north side of the city called the “Ger District”. (By the way, a ger is a traditional one room round felt home. Some people know them as “yurts”.)

I hadn’t been to the Ger District before so I was really excited! That part of UB used to be a patchwork of ger neighborhoods that all fused as one giant…ger area. I say ‘area’, because though there are random narrow winding dirt alleyways, there aren’t really any divisions between neighborhoods. Each home has a tiny dirt yard surrounded by an uneven wooden slab fence. And each side of that fence is also part of the next ger’s fence. But they’re not lined up evenly as neighboring yards in American might be. Which is why I referred to it as a “patchwork” of gers as well. Anyways…

Now, many families have built a more modern house in place of their original ger, although there are still some gers here and there. So as I looked out of my bus window, I felt as though I was beginning to see a taste of the “real” Mongolia. UB is very modern and westernized (albeit with tons of Soviet influence passed down…) and so the traditional culture is very hidden to me. But there in the Ger District something was different.

The houses were mostly small simple two story homes made of either old weather worn wood or rough red-orange bricks with chipped mortar in the cracks. The roofs were almost all metal and very colorful: blues, greens, reds, and oranges. The older gers were gray with dirty and dust. The newer ones were still white. Or perhaps, the whiter ones were just cleaned more often…??? The Ger District extends for miles and miles and the houses are all lined up next to each other up the mountain sides and up to the sides of the road. And then, I finally felt it.

My heart twinged and I felt stone melting into flesh again. I was excited, in a way the city has not yet excited me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the excitement and success not getting lost downtown (If you know me well…you understand!), but the city here has never had my heart so to speak. And here in the ger district my heart felt for the first time. I’ve been so busy with planning for the five English classes I’ll be teaching, learning my way around the city, and getting to know people here, that I lost my focus. And here God brought me right back.

I’ll openly be the first to admit that I’m a slow learner. God has shown me time and time again that I am a cripple at heart. Without Him, I can’t walk and I have no strength in this life. So when I fall down, he gently picks me up and lets me lean on him while he holds my hand. But as soon as the sting of the fall is gone, I let go of his hand and try to walk all by myself again. But I’m a cripple. No matter how hard I try, I do not have strength of my own. I start to feel all dried out and strained in heart without Jesus. And though I tell you this now…I still haven’t learned it permanently!

So these past four weeks, I have tried to do it all in my own strength. I shot a few prayers God’s way for sure…but I never took hold of his hand again and rested in His presence and strength. So my heart got all dried up again…I didn’t feel a thing at being here. Not excitement, not fear (which is a good thing though), not love…not anything. I was so numb. But there in the Ger District something happened. God reached into my heart again and pulled some strings. Because it’s places like the Ger District that make me feel alive. These are the poorer people of the city…on the outskirts. These are the kind of people that my heart loves and bleeds for before I even meet them. The people that might be overlooked in some circles…

The gathering of Church that morning (well afternoon actually…it didn’t start until noon in true Mongolian fashion), was so wonderful. The whole group is maybe 40 -50 people when they all come, but this Sunday there were maybe 25 of us. It was truly a little gathering of God’s family in that little cement building and quite beautiful inside. That little representation of Family, sang songs of praise to my Healer and this one dear old gentleman sang with quite of lot of off key gusto! It made me smile the whole time!

My friend translated everything for me so that I could understand. It was really humbling. The man who taught out of the Bible didn’t say anything life altering, but I was very encouraged to just remember what Jesus gave up for me and just how much he gave up. Truly we have a God who loves us dearly! Then I learned that this little group of Church prays for Family in a different country each week! I wish my large gatherings of Church back home would do this.

Anyways, afterwards we stayed to have hot milk tea (steamed milk, tea leaves, and salt – also in true Mongolian form) and cookies. I met a young woman who spoke very good English and we talked for a while and then we prayed for her family in the countryside. I don’t know how to rightly express it, but being able to have that kind of connection with someone I’ve only known for 5 minutes is…it is beautiful beyond words. This girl is my sister, though I may not see her again this side of Heaven.

The rest of Sunday was just a lot of fun. My friend took me to a fast food restaurant – where she ordered a burger and I ordered mutton dumplings…ironic no?! Then we climbed up about 613 stairs (I lost count somewhere between 300 and 320 and had to guess where I left off!) to the top of a mountain on the southern edge of UB. At the top is a memorial to all the Mongolian soldiers from the early 1910’s to the Soviet era. It was really cool! It’s a giant circular thing lifted above people’s heads with tile mosaic pictures all around it. I wish I could have taken pictures, but my camera has finally gone and died …so I’ll be getting another one soon I hope! I could see the whole city from the monument and it was enormous! A gorgeous view to close a gorgeous sunny fall day. Nothing better than sunshine for the heart either. :)

The Logistics

Day 18. Where to begin. There is so much to share and tell. I’ve been in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for almost three weeks now. I’ve met wonderful people, eaten new foods, and had many surprises. I haven’t even gotten lost yet!

More personal stories to follow, but here’s the gist of things to get you oriented:

The food: Think mutton. Lots of mutton. (I rather like it actually). And fat. Sometimes attached to the meat, sometimes just in separate chunks. Also potatoes, noodles, eggs, bell peppers, carrots, apples and onions are common in a lot of dishes. However. In the City (also called Ulaanbaatar or UB), you can find just about anything to eat. I’ve had tacos, pizza, sloppy joe’s , BBQ chicken, salad, milk, yogurt, cheese, and all kinds of other “western foods”. I’m gonna like living here I think.

The cheese: Will be updated on the “Cheese Page” of course! Haha!

The beverages: Milk tea is probably one of the most common drinks besides good old fashioned hot black tea and sugar. Milk tea is simply steamed milk with some sort of black or green tea and salt. It’s pretty good for the most part. I personally have been drinking a lot of hot tea just in general.

Current weather: Well. It’s fall here. It’s been as high as 70F and as low as 30F. Mostly it’s in the 50’s and 40’s I think. I was here for the first snow of the season which made me so so happy! It melted the next day though. UB is almost always sunny it seems, but the smog makes it seem hazy a lot.

The City: UB itself is quite hard to describe. There are modern glass skyscrapers amidst a sea of rectangular flat-roofed Soviet issue apartment buildings. Most are covered in decades of dust, soot and are a little “well worn”. The balconies are mostly covered with windows, making them a sort of three-season room. There are also hundreds of construction projects. Some half built concrete structures are abandoned for lack of funds, others will actually be finished. There are some houses and gers on the outskirts of the city as well. (Gers are the round felt traditional country-side Mongolian homes).

I live in the downtown area of town in a little second story two bedroom apartment. The area around my apartment has some museums, a giant five story department store, the government buildings, a children’s amusement park, a couple live theatres, and countless restaurants, grocery stores, and shops.

Traffic is a little crazy some times! Crossing a four lane street is like playing frogger! There are tons and tons of Toyotas, Hondas, Suzuki’s, and other Japanese cars. Although, some have steering wheels on the left side and some on the right side which may account for the crazy driving!

The fashion here sort of blew me away at first. I would say that almost all the women about 40 or younger in the city, are really stylish. Skinny jeans and leather boots are huge here. As are fancy scarves, sweaters, etc...Very chic and modern. However, most everyone wears neutral colors instead of the constant kaleidoscope of color on my college campus.

The office I work at is really wonderful. It feels like a family among the staff there. Every morning before the office work begins, someone share’s what God has been teaching them recently. It’s probably my favorite part of the day. Then I go off to plan English lessons. Turns out I will be teaching 4 or 5 English classes depending on how many people want to come. My students range from vet students, to the small animal clinic staff, to preschoolers! It’s a lot of work for sure and I have gained a whole new respect for teachers! Once a week I get to help out at the small animal clinic, but I’ll save those stories for the veterinary page.  :)

I hope that gives you a small picture of where I’m living for the next 8 months in any case. I know it’s not the most insightful or interesting of my posts, but it is what it is I guess. I know I wouldn’t be here except for your love and support, so thank you again and again!

Just Some Tidbits

22 days. That's barely 3 weeks. And by that time, I'll be on a plane somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. In those 22 days this is what my "To Do" list looks like:

Finish up work on a high note.
Throw a Going-Out-Of-Town-For-A-While Party. (After all, I'm not really going away, I'm just moving locations.)
Say all my "See-You-In-8-Months" to my friends and family. (I'm not gonna lie, I'm going to turn into a sappy emotional mess at times.)
Drive 15 hours by myself back home for a few weeks. (If you see sleep deprived zombie driving a white stick-shift station wagon on I-80...that's me.)
Buy all the extra durable winter wear I'll be needing to start packing. (P.S. - Really good wool socks are 20 bucks a pop! I've never paid so much for socks ever! It's crazy.)
Actually get packed. (Two suitcases at 50 pounds each for 8 months? Yeah...I should be able to handle it.)
Make one of my best friends in FoCo get set up on skype. (Hint, hint. You know who you are!)
Finish the online TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) course that could take 6 months in 10 days. (Can you say procrastination? I may have dug myself into a hole with this one. Good thing I have over 15 years of procrastination skills to fall back on!)
Finish my 4 applications to veterinary school. (So, not excited about this part...)
Make sure I have all the various travel documents I need printed and on my person. (More complicated than it sounds.)
Find a way to stash some real cheese to make it across the borders. (Ok. I'm not serious about this one, but I wish I could!)
Complete my "art project" that I have been working on for almost a year. (More on this as my departure date grows closer...)
Have some bonding time with my cat. (You only think I'm joking...she's the best foot warmer I know!)
Have some personal moments with Jesus...a lot of them in fact. He's the only one that gets to go with me, so I figure I better get on the same page as Him. Also He's just good for me to be around and I rather enjoy being with Him.

 For me at least, that's a long list of things to do with a lot of different emotions wrapped up in each item. You'd think I'd be stressed or worried or going crazy. I think I will eventually. Right now September 20th seems so far away. I know I have a lot to get done, but I have this assurance that it will all get done eventually and in the proper time. It has yet to sink into my conscious reality that I am about to leave. It didn't sink in that I was going to China until the plane took off! I am leaving my dearest friends and closest community -those my heart longs for and those I call my sisters. I'm departing from my culture and language. I'm setting down my family and security. I temporarily renounce my rights and privileges as an American to become just a servant of the Mongolian people I'll meet. Some of it I don't mind at all...other parts are going to be harder to let go of for a while.

Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm going there. I have no idea what I'll find and how exactly my time will be spent. All I know is God has called me here for this season in life. I don't know why...but He has called me without a doubt. He has a purpose to my time there and as of right now, He alone can see that purpose.

Jesus once compared working for Him to farming. He has called those who follow and love him to be ambassadors...that is to tell others about who he is, his deep sincere love for them, and the amnesty he offers them. Sometimes, being God's ambassador is like tilling up dirt in a corn field that has been hardened, dried, and cracked over a long winter. Sometimes it is like planting seeds in the tilled soil under the hot spring sun- bending and stooping over and over again. Other times it is like watering the seed in the soil and hoping there is enough moisture to make the seed grow. And still other times, the farmer gets to harvest the crops and bring in an abundance of food to the table. All in all...being Jesus' ambassador means most often not getting to see the harvest of the crops...instead you do your work and trust that it will produce something edible in the end.

Why am I going to Mongolia? I really don't know. What's my purpose in being there? If you find out before I do, pass on the word. Will I get to see if I "make a difference" or "leave a mark" on peoples'  lives? I have no idea. Is it worth it? You betcha. Because, wherever God calls me is exactly the best place for me to be. He is a better planner than I am, so I'm leaving the details up to him. He'll make sure seeds are sown where the ground is tilled, that the soil is watered as it needs to be, and that there will be crops to harvest in the end, even if I'm not there to swing the sickle. I am learning to let this truth ruminate in my soul and produce peace within my heart.

P.S. - Good news! I got my visa and vaccinations! So all the major hurdles are cleared...just have the details to finish up now. 
P.P.S. - Anyone know how to get cheese through customs?  :)

The Grateful Debt

Lavish  - verb (used with object) : "to expend or give in great amounts or without limit".  

Lavished upon. This is how I feel.  
I have been weeping tonight, for I am utterly overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed by my own utter unworthiness. This undeserving wretch that I am, is of the most ungrateful, selfish and unfaithful breed.
I am overwhelmed by the overflowing outpouring of generosity that has been lavished upon me. These sacrificial gifts and extravagant love move me in my core.

I wept because I do not deserve such kindness from those I have never met. I wept because I am unworthy to accept the lavish blessings from those who have already given me so much. I wept because I am unfaithful to keep up with those who truly love me - yet even still they love me more. I wept because I so often take blessings for granted. I wept because I know I'll never be able to pay back or earn what has been given to me. I wept because I am so very humbled.

It is mid-July. I am more than fully funded to go to Mongolia. I am filled to the brim and overflowing. I have more than enough. And I am forever indebted.

First to my friends back home: to you who helped raise me, to you who invested in my life, to you who have always encouraged and blessed me, to you who have lavished me through distance and years apart.

Secondly to those of you whom I have never seen and may not meet until we meet upon Heaven's golden streets, to you who felt called to invest and trust in God's work through a girl you don't know.

Thirdly to my friends here in my home in Colorado, to you who have laughed with me, to you who have studied Scripture with me, to you who have sharpened me like iron.

Finally to my family - to you whom I owe more than I owe anyone else on this earth, to you who have showered me and always covered me with love, to you who have prayed for me for 23 years, to you who have sacrificed untiringly and endlessly, to you who know my selfishness, ungratefulness and wretchedness more than anyone else.

To all of you - I cannot say 'thank you' enough to make it mean what my heart feels. I do not deserve you. I am forever indebted to you. My God has blessed me through you. Through you my proud heart is rightly humbled. Because of you my hard ungrateful soul is alive with gratefulness again. I am undeserving and unworthy of you...and you have reminded me of grace again (oh that beautiful undeserved favor and blessing!). No amount of physical gifts could represent what I owe you in my spirit.

The only things I can offer you to express what kind of thanks is in my heart - I ask and pray God's blessing and promises on you regarding your generous gifts:

"and whoever sows generously will also reap generously." - The 2nd book called 'Corinthians', chapter 9, verse 6.

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." - The 2nd book called 'Corinthians', chapter 9, verse 8.

"Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God." -The 2nd book called 'Corinthians', chapter 9, verses 10-12.

These things I pray for you. May God bless you and bring you joy and peace because of your faithfulness to him and because of your love and sacrifices!

I now can say as Paul of the Bible once wrote:
"I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received... the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." - The book of Philippians, chapter 4, verses 18-19.

I so here I am. Weeping. Confronted with my unworthiness in comparison to the lavish gifts I have been undeservedly blessed with. I stand gratefully indebted. 

Update: Departure Date!

Today I found out something that made me even more sure I should be going to Mongolia. Well ok, maybe more like I just found out something really cool and got excited about it. So first off, good news: I  finally got my plane ticket! Wooooo! So it is as official as official can be. I'm leaving for Mongolia on Sept. 20th 2011. Holy cow. That's only 3 and a half months away! And yet...it seems so far off in the distance. Definitely hasn't sunk in yet. It probably won't until I get on the plane. When I looked at my plane ticket this is what I saw:

Arrive:    Ulaanbaatar  Buyant Uhaa Airport
              Ulan Bator,   MN


Notice anything?

Well, yes the first word of the airport name does indeed have 5 A's in it. Also, yes, the name of the airport "Ulaanbaatar" is spelled differently than the city name "Ulan Bator" though I am almost positive the city's name is actually spelled "Ulaanbaatar". 

But what I first noticed is that apparently "Ulan Bator" is in Minnesota. Well not really, but Minnesota and Mongolia do have the same abbreviation in any case: "MN". Which of course made me smile because that's where home is for me.  Both places are known for their winters and cold. I think "Minnesota Nice" would fit in well with the legendary Mongolian hospitality. So I thought that was cool. Perhaps by the end of 8 months, Mongolia will feel like home just as much as Minnesota. I hope so.  :)

Up next: figuring out the Mongolian visa application...

Push-ups and Bootcamp

I am rather proud of the fact that I can now do 20 push-ups in a row. Not the girly-on-your-knees kind of push-ups either. The real kind that strong people do with personal trainers. This may only be impressive if you've ever seen my biceps...or lack thereof. My biceps are roughly the size of a 1/2 a standard hot dog bun, or the size of a large bar of soap, or a small russet potato. That is to say...20 push-ups is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

Now. My brother is in the U.S. Air Force and 20 push-ups is nothing to him. In fact it shouldn't even be a big deal for me because the truth is 20 push-ups doesn't even begin to cover what I need to be able to do. See, I have a good friend who likes to run "boot camps" and "power hikes" when it's warm out. (Read: likes to physically torture the rest of us with extreme exercise.) The theme of the work outs is: Unless you puke, faint, or die...keep going. And yes, I have puked already. During a power hike up a mountain I almost fainted, but I made us stop at least 10 times so I could make my heart rate go down. After the boot camps, my thighs, my pectoral muscles, my calves, and my arms ached like nothing I've experienced before. Going down stairs was a treacherous journey as I felt I couldn't support my own weight given the jelly-like state of my legs. 20 push-ups? Yeah, doesn't quite cut it in boot camp.

But the coolest part about boot camps and power hikes is the incredible endorphin high I get right after words. It feels great! More running and muscle conditioning? Bring it on! Hike the mountain again after we just got back down? Ya you betcha! And even better than the endorphin rush is the sense of accomplishment I get to bask in for a few days. Looking back on all I was able to push my body through and knowing it is healthy for me to exercise in that way, makes it all worth it. It grows self confidence in me. I know I can do it again and maybe even a little more if I tried harder.

Up until last week I was completely at peace with the whole fund raising aspect of this trip to Mongolia. Sure I had a lot of money yet to raise, but I had complete trust that God was going to provide for me in His timing. It might take until the day before I leave, but He would provide if he wanted me to be across the ocean. I think this peace and trust stemmed from that provision that God has shown me in the past. He has provided the funds on all the other trips I have taken. He provided me my past two jobs in amazing ways right when I needed them. He always knows what I need  and when I most need it even when I am most focused on what I want. God's name to me has been Jehovah Jireh: "The God who Provides". Trusting God is a beautiful place to be in. And I was resting comfortably in it.

But God then pushed me to the next level.

After finally remembering to get my oil changed (say 2,000 miles past the 5,000 mile recommendation), the nice mechanic man told me I needed to replace my brakes and outer tierods in my car. (Don't know what I tierod is? Neither did I. But apparently it keeps the tires facing straight forward in the direction of the car's frame. Broken tierods mean the tires can flip out perpendicular to the car frame. Not Good At All.) So. Of course I needed to get them fixed as soon as I could.

In addition to that, I was just about to purchase my plane ticket to Mongolia. I didn't have all the money for the ticket saved up yet, but I knew I could make up the difference in time.

And then it dawned on me. I had to pay for both expensive expenses. At. The. Same. Time. I was not prepared to do that. I had the money...but things were going to get real tight for a long time afterward. So. I did what I am am expert at doing.

I freaked out.

I was trying to figure out if I could live on ramen noodles for the next three months so I could put more money back into my bank account. I was imagining what would happen if I suddenly had a health crisis with an already drained supply of funds. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to fund the trip to Mongolia at all. I thought about the fact that I was going to be coming back from Mongolia unemployed and without a place to live (besides my parents' house). If I did end up getting into vet school, that was only going to increase my amount of debt. Oh yeah. I am perfectly fine tuned to freak out. I am a pro at it. Worst case scenarios? I am really good at making myself believe that they are probably going to happen.

Trust in God's timing and provision? Yeah totally forgot about that. My "Jehovah Jireh" ? - Sure he provided in the past, but this? This did not look anywhere near safety and security. I know it is a "common life experience" to have to take out more money than originally planned. Most people experience things similar to my unplanned expenses and they manage to get through them somehow and bounce back eventually. But since I am relatively new to this whole "being an adult" routine, I still felt the need to complain and worry about it.

At some point in my "freak out mode", God finally wedged a thought into my head in the midst of the chaotic panicky feelings I was having. He reminded me of who He was and who I was. First off, he is totally in control and not surprised at all about my car having to get repaired. He owns "the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:9-11). He has limitless resources and stores. God out of everyone is more than perfectly able to provide for my needs and come up with some extra thousand dollars if he chose to do so. It's all his anyhow...everything on earth ultimately belongs to Him in the end. I'm just using some of it on loan so to speak. And even though he hasn't caused a bag with thousands of dollars to miraculously show up on my door step, He will only allow things to happen in my life that he will use to strengthen me, refine me, and to bring about more praise and honor for himself. I belong to Him and He loves me immensely...so why should I fear what he has planned for me? If that means someday I end up homeless with no money at all, He is still in control and has good plans for me. The truth of the matter is that having to pay for fix my car and the plane ticket is not nearly as bad as I made it out to be.

Oh my soul, oh you of little faith! Who or what do I need to fear? I wish I could have taken it all in stride and trusted God from the get go. The good news is that God always gives me another chance...always lifts me up and has compassion on the fearful nature of my heart. I am at peace again. It is going to be close - getting the funds that I need for this trip. It is going to be tight - rebudgetting my finances wisely and living simply for a while. But he is still Jehovah Jireh...even when I don't remember it. It was easy to trust in the comfortable situations and times. It is more difficult, more trying to trust in uncomfortable circumstances. And yet, He is teaching me that He is faithful, he is still Good, he is still in control and has a plan in the harder times. I had learned to be at peace on one level...God is simply taking me to another ladder rung of trust. He is preparing me for something infinitely greater...more satisfying...healthier for my soul: Unbroken trust in His love and loving plans for me. Oh that I could fully rely on Him for everything and trust Him no matter what happens! Oh that fear would no longer get a foothold into my heart and mind!

Trust in easy days is good. Until you need to trust in harder times. 20 push-ups are great. Until you have to go to boot camp. So in the meantime I will be trying to do at least 22 push-ups and perhaps some running. After all...I'm not a fan of puking at boot camp. ;)

The Two Halves

A close friend asked me the other day what I was most excited for and most fearful of regarding this trip to Mongolia. I've been trying to live a transparent life so that people can really see who I am at the core. Not holding back or trying to cover up the less than perfect areas. So I thought I'd share here what I shared with her. I know the things I am excited for, may turn out to be less amazing than I imagine them, and I hope that my fears will be swept away and replaced with peace. So, we shall see how these things actually play out in reality. Five months or so and I'll be on a plane...

Things I am really super crazy amazing excited for:

1) Trying all the new foods. I have heard that at least traditionally, and in the countryside, there's a lot of meat and dairy products. Well heck. That right up my alley! Mongolian cheeses? Sounds fantastic!
2) Experiencing and learning Mongolian culture. I love other cultures, learning about them and from them and discovering the beautiful things in all of them.
3) Meeting all vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families, and all the other people around me. I can't wait to get to know them, laugh with them, and hear their stories.
4) Teaching English...it'll be a new experience for me, but I like to teach things that I know, so it might be fun.
5) Leading Bible studies. Um. No explanation needed. This will probably be my favorite part. I just can't get enough Scripture and I hope to pass that passion on.
6) Getting more veterinary experience of course. Learning how vet medicine is done overseas. (Cuddling with puppies and kittens is also a perk that never gets old! Haha!)
7) Winter. I'm a Minnesotan. I love snow and cold. So, bring it on! I am actually excited to see if I can handle the Mongolian winters (average temperatures: -20 F. Yes. I know this makes me insane. Yes. I know I will probably eat these words in several months and start complaining about the cold.)

Things I am a little nervous about and cautiously expectant of:

1) Trying the new foods. I am a picky eater. Whenever I travel overseas, I end up getting sick and nauseous to some degree. I don't want to be rude culturally, but I don't want to gag at the table either...so...um...yeah.
2) Living in Mongolian culture. I love learning about and experiencing other cultures. But living in a different one is something else. Much as I try to leave my culture behind and become the culture I am entering, some days it is so hard to continue in that. Sometimes I think I'm going to need to have a few hours of just being American...maybe eating oreos and having a dance party in my room to some Ke$ha music.
3) Meeting all the vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families and all the people around me. I'm a slightly socially awkward introvert. I'm not crazy about meeting tons of new people. It kinda freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. I'm afraid that I won't connect to people in Mongolia, won't establish close friendships, and afraid I'll feel really isolated from everyone there. I'm afraid of losing connections and community back home. I'm afraid of not being there for my close friends, not being able to support them and love on them like I normally would. I'm afraid of missing them so much...
4) Teaching English. Let's just say that last time I had to "teach" English in East Asia in an informal setting it drained me mentally and emotionally like nothing I've experienced before. It's going to be hard. This I know for sure. I don't speak Mongolian, though I am learning little by little. It's a very difficult language for me to learn thus far. I'm afraid I troubles in communication will hinder my ability to form close relationships with my students.
5) Leading Bible studies. I'm always nervous, even here at home that no one will show up to my Bible studies. Again, the cultural/language barrier could make things difficult as well. I want this time to be really meaningful, but I'm always afraid it will turn out terrible or ineffective.
6) Getting more veterinary experience. I am almost positive there will be differences between my current American veterinary experiences and those I have in Mongolia. My fear is not that it will be a bad experience but that I will not have an open mind. I am afraid that pride will take over my mind and heart in this area and I know I will need humility for sure. I'm also afraid I won't have time to connect with the American vets there and therefore won't be able to gain valuable insights from them.
7) Winter. (On a lighter note...) Frostbite is never fun no matter where you're from. I can't sleep with cold feet. So. I need to find lots of wool socks. Ha. Though in all honesty, I am least afraid of winter than of anything else listed! (Minnesota how I love thy winters!)

As you may have noticed my excitements and fears are two fold. They're two halves of my emotions. What I am brimming with joy about, I am also hesitantly awaiting with light anxiousness. I have no idea what God is going to teach me or how He is going to grow me. All I know is I have this feeling in my core that this trip is going to challenge me, stretch me, like nothing has before. I can't explain it rationally, it just feels that way. Now is the breath intake before a scream. I do know that I want my faith to increase, I long to grow more like who Jesus is molding me to be, I yearn to know and love Him better. I also know that growth requires pain and difficulty. If I never pushed myself physically, I would never improve my muscular strength. No. It takes pain and burning acid in my muscles to grow them. Likewise, I feel that this up coming season of life will be one of growth...and one of pain. I am trying to prepare myself accordingly therefore. I keep reminding myself now of God's promises that have held true in the past for me. Keep reacquainting myself of who I am in Him. Refocusing my purpose to His purposes. We shall see...I cannot wait to write a victory story here. I cannot wait to come back and tell the stories of what great things He has done!

Until that day I can only get ready. I have taken up language learning again. It is slow. Mongolian is very similar to Russian in many ways, but also similar grammatically to Japanese and Korean. (This is why, as you may well imagine, I am having difficulty!) I can almost remember how to count to 10 (I get stuck on 2 every time dang it! But I know the other 9 numbers...) Also. I know the number 55. It is my favorite because I can remember it. "Tevan Tav". So hopefully I will be able to use it at some point. "How many chocolates would I like to eat? Tevan Tav."  :)  Haha! I also know how to good bye. So until later, "Bayartai!"

Death of a House of Cards

I was fine. Just fine. Until I discovered that my peace was a flimsy house of cards. All it took was the slightest breeze to topple it over.

I was fine. Just fine. Except then the ears of envy perked up, the yellow slit eyes of selfishness refocused on their prey, and the venomous fangs of bitterness pierced through to my bloodstream.

All it took were a few words. A short text message. "Hey! Guess what? I found out I'm accepted into vet school!" A casual friend's dream had finally come true. But I...I could not be happy for her. I sent her a text message back, "Congrats! That's so exciting! I'm so happy for you! Yay!" But it was a lie. In my heart I was already poisoned and cornered by the envy, selfishness, and bitterness suddenly, instantaneously, stirred in me.

They propelled my thoughts where I didn't want them to go: 
How come she got in and I didn't? It's not fair. This is my dream too. This is what I have longed for, for so long. How come she's better than me? Why...why wasn't I accepted? I should have applied to more schools to increase my chances getting in. What am I doing with my life right now? Working. I'm wasting my time. Going to school is what matters, working this job isn't what I want to do; it won't get me where I want to go. Mongolia...what on earth? It's not worth it. It's just a waste of time. I should be in school learning dang it! Mongolia...who even cares. It's only second best; doesn't even compare to living my dream. All I want to do is be in vet school. I can't waste my life...I'm already behind as it is. No. No how can I be happy for her, I deserve it more than her...

and so my thoughts grew more and more dangerous.

But God. But God was there to catch me as I fell off that ledge. He caught my scattered house of cards blowing in the wind. Picked them up. Put them in the box they came in. And began to lay his own more solid bricks and shining beams of steel in their place. He gave an antidote for bitterness' poison and drove off hungry envy and selfishness. I was left alive, intact, but so very humbled.

God reminded me why I am where I am in life. Why I'm not in vet school right now. See, it's his plan A. This is what he planned for me from the beginning. He could have gotten me into vet school the first time around. Instead he steered me towards a job I desperately needed to develop me into someone stronger and more like him. He's taking me to Mongolia because that's where he wants me...for my ultimate good, for hope and a future. In his mind, I'm not wasting my time at all...I'm on His time-clock, not my own. He knows my heart, my deepest desires. He knows that ultimately, He alone can satisfy them. When really look hard into the waters of my heart...it's his face that reflects there. My desire is for Him. Vet school will never fill me, never satisfy me, never give me meaning and purpose...even as much as it is a part of who I am, even as much as I love that career. I've learned that only He, my Jesus, can really fill me. I've been at the top before and I've gotten just what I desired before...and let me tell you, it is vastly empty. There is always something more to attain...something lacking...even at the top.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

I so I had to confess that my contentment was not based on His plans after all. My peace in my situation was founded on everyone else around me not getting into vet school too, as shamefully selfish as that is. But now, he has humbled me. And I am grateful for it. I am going to Mongolia, this is where He is taking me. And that  is the best place for me to be: straight in the middle of his will. Once he had tossed envy, selfishness, and bitterness aside, I came to my senses. What an amazing adventure awaits me! I cannot wait to meet the Mongolian people! I do not know what he will do around me, in me, or through me...but I can't wait to find that out either! There will always be time for vet school...but this, this is where I am now. I'm back on track. I'm headed to Mongolia and I can't wait!

My friend, let me say again, and this time in truth: Congratulations! God is taking you to vet school! What a wonderful blessing! Someday I hope to follow you! In the meantime, I am finally at peace...at real peace, again.

*Side Note: I have called my travel agent and started working towards getting a plane ticket to and from Mongolia! The only hitch, is that it is too early to purchase a return plane ticket as currently it is more than a year in advance. Crazy. In any case, the planning has started. The first of my monthly newsletters have been mailed too. In the meantime, I wish you all lush blossoming crab apple trees...or whatever it is that excites you about spring. :)

Beloved's Nightmare

Beloved’s Nightmare

hear my voice ringing across

many rippled oceans wide

see me standing atop highest

mountains’ snow capped peaks

feel my hands ever reaching

through the cloud sewn sky

taste my salty tears that burst

upon the cold dew stricken ground

I search among the forests

your cliffs ravines and lakes

where can I find my lover

Immanuel, my soul’s desire

in the night my spirit aches

you left my village early

before the moon had hidden

I failed to wait there ready

at the well - our trysting place

now shamed without you

shackles claim my wrists

of dark past life rewoken

come find me once more

pour out your wine extravagant

to brush upon my lips

wash out the bitter taste

of my unfaithfulness

these blind eyes long

to see your face next to mine

my deaf ears desire

to know your whisper against my cheek

my leprous hands tremble

in absence of your touch

my fearful soul unable move

to the tune you’ve written for me

my spirit is willing yet

my flesh is still diseased

you are my seventh man

I stand at the well incomplete

delirious for water from your palms

I wait

panting

to walk with you again

oh come

complete me heal me that I may be

faithful

at your side once more

that when and where you shall go

I should follow hand entwined

fingers locked in yours

never parting from your side

The Seventh Man (The Poem)

The Seventh Man

what brings her here under middle noon’s sun

 alone,

with cracked lips parched tongue and a jar

  empty,

to this her father’s well

through autumn’s harvest and spring’s new birth

her jar dips at Jacob’s cistern

thirsty hands grasp it hopeful

to satisfy        a heart’s yearning

                to bind up        wounds and scars

                            to refresh          a calloused soul

yet countless days she draws lukewarm stagnancy

with raised brow women whisper as she passes by

cynicism her shield drowns their sneers:

The Unfaithful.

                         The Shamed.

                                               The Whore.

judgment falls a javelin to pierce

The Bruised

but the bitter truth

her bride’s dream five times broken – she is:

The Tried and Used.

                                The Unwanted.

                                                        The Lacking.

dust dirtied cheeks sand clings

where once ran a stream of tears

from sunken eyes to gaunt sun-scorched skin

but today He rests there, waiting, knowing

He sees her mind’s ever playing cinema: from the first to the fifth

Abandoned

                   Rejected

                                  Dismissed

resigned to a sixth lover’s disgrace

unworthy to wear a wedding band

He calls

from the well-side offering his drink

a promise

within his cusped hand glows

would she trust him could she dare

with battered beaten heart shreds

with hardened spiteful soul

would he love her could he dare

to lay his pearls around her brazen neck

to clasp her dirty hand in his flawless ones

her story, hurt, desire, shame

lay open before his blinding sunlight

trembling she reaches out with

empty cusped hands

his words flow

his flood waters breach - break her proud walls

springs of living water cascading through her veins

breathing life abundantly she dips from her Father’s well

his embrace          satisfies her heart’s yearning

                     his gentle hands             heal her broken spirit

                                               his clear eyes            make her soul alive

waves of love quench for eternal time

collapsed at his feet her tears fall and rightly so

for she knows that he knows her

Imperfection

                      Unsightliness

                                             Stain

yet he sang softly

“let me fill your jar forever after

come away with me my bride”