I am rather proud of the fact that I can now do 20 push-ups in a row. Not the girly-on-your-knees kind of push-ups either. The real kind that strong people do with personal trainers. This may only be impressive if you've ever seen my biceps...or lack thereof. My biceps are roughly the size of a 1/2 a standard hot dog bun, or the size of a large bar of soap, or a small russet potato. That is to say...20 push-ups is a pretty big accomplishment for me.
Now. My brother is in the U.S. Air Force and 20 push-ups is nothing to him. In fact it shouldn't even be a big deal for me because the truth is 20 push-ups doesn't even begin to cover what I need to be able to do. See, I have a good friend who likes to run "boot camps" and "power hikes" when it's warm out. (Read: likes to physically torture the rest of us with extreme exercise.) The theme of the work outs is: Unless you puke, faint, or die...keep going. And yes, I have puked already. During a power hike up a mountain I almost fainted, but I made us stop at least 10 times so I could make my heart rate go down. After the boot camps, my thighs, my pectoral muscles, my calves, and my arms ached like nothing I've experienced before. Going down stairs was a treacherous journey as I felt I couldn't support my own weight given the jelly-like state of my legs. 20 push-ups? Yeah, doesn't quite cut it in boot camp.
But the coolest part about boot camps and power hikes is the incredible endorphin high I get right after words. It feels great! More running and muscle conditioning? Bring it on! Hike the mountain again after we just got back down? Ya you betcha! And even better than the endorphin rush is the sense of accomplishment I get to bask in for a few days. Looking back on all I was able to push my body through and knowing it is healthy for me to exercise in that way, makes it all worth it. It grows self confidence in me. I know I can do it again and maybe even a little more if I tried harder.
Up until last week I was completely at peace with the whole fund raising aspect of this trip to Mongolia. Sure I had a lot of money yet to raise, but I had complete trust that God was going to provide for me in His timing. It might take until the day before I leave, but He would provide if he wanted me to be across the ocean. I think this peace and trust stemmed from that provision that God has shown me in the past. He has provided the funds on all the other trips I have taken. He provided me my past two jobs in amazing ways right when I needed them. He always knows what I need and when I most need it even when I am most focused on what I want. God's name to me has been Jehovah Jireh: "The God who Provides". Trusting God is a beautiful place to be in. And I was resting comfortably in it.
But God then pushed me to the next level.
After finally remembering to get my oil changed (say 2,000 miles past the 5,000 mile recommendation), the nice mechanic man told me I needed to replace my brakes and outer tierods in my car. (Don't know what I tierod is? Neither did I. But apparently it keeps the tires facing straight forward in the direction of the car's frame. Broken tierods mean the tires can flip out perpendicular to the car frame. Not Good At All.) So. Of course I needed to get them fixed as soon as I could.
In addition to that, I was just about to purchase my plane ticket to Mongolia. I didn't have all the money for the ticket saved up yet, but I knew I could make up the difference in time.
And then it dawned on me. I had to pay for both expensive expenses. At. The. Same. Time. I was not prepared to do that. I had the money...but things were going to get real tight for a long time afterward. So. I did what I am am expert at doing.
I freaked out.
I was trying to figure out if I could live on ramen noodles for the next three months so I could put more money back into my bank account. I was imagining what would happen if I suddenly had a health crisis with an already drained supply of funds. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to fund the trip to Mongolia at all. I thought about the fact that I was going to be coming back from Mongolia unemployed and without a place to live (besides my parents' house). If I did end up getting into vet school, that was only going to increase my amount of debt. Oh yeah. I am perfectly fine tuned to freak out. I am a pro at it. Worst case scenarios? I am really good at making myself believe that they are probably going to happen.
Trust in God's timing and provision? Yeah totally forgot about that. My "Jehovah Jireh" ? - Sure he provided in the past, but this? This did not look anywhere near safety and security. I know it is a "common life experience" to have to take out more money than originally planned. Most people experience things similar to my unplanned expenses and they manage to get through them somehow and bounce back eventually. But since I am relatively new to this whole "being an adult" routine, I still felt the need to complain and worry about it.
At some point in my "freak out mode", God finally wedged a thought into my head in the midst of the chaotic panicky feelings I was having. He reminded me of who He was and who I was. First off, he is totally in control and not surprised at all about my car having to get repaired. He owns "the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:9-11). He has limitless resources and stores. God out of everyone is more than perfectly able to provide for my needs and come up with some extra thousand dollars if he chose to do so. It's all his anyhow...everything on earth ultimately belongs to Him in the end. I'm just using some of it on loan so to speak. And even though he hasn't caused a bag with thousands of dollars to miraculously show up on my door step, He will only allow things to happen in my life that he will use to strengthen me, refine me, and to bring about more praise and honor for himself. I belong to Him and He loves me immensely...so why should I fear what he has planned for me? If that means someday I end up homeless with no money at all, He is still in control and has good plans for me. The truth of the matter is that having to pay for fix my car and the plane ticket is not nearly as bad as I made it out to be.
Oh my soul, oh you of little faith! Who or what do I need to fear? I wish I could have taken it all in stride and trusted God from the get go. The good news is that God always gives me another chance...always lifts me up and has compassion on the fearful nature of my heart. I am at peace again. It is going to be close - getting the funds that I need for this trip. It is going to be tight - rebudgetting my finances wisely and living simply for a while. But he is still Jehovah Jireh...even when I don't remember it. It was easy to trust in the comfortable situations and times. It is more difficult, more trying to trust in uncomfortable circumstances. And yet, He is teaching me that He is faithful, he is still Good, he is still in control and has a plan in the harder times. I had learned to be at peace on one level...God is simply taking me to another ladder rung of trust. He is preparing me for something infinitely greater...more satisfying...healthier for my soul: Unbroken trust in His love and loving plans for me. Oh that I could fully rely on Him for everything and trust Him no matter what happens! Oh that fear would no longer get a foothold into my heart and mind!
Trust in easy days is good. Until you need to trust in harder times. 20 push-ups are great. Until you have to go to boot camp. So in the meantime I will be trying to do at least 22 push-ups and perhaps some running. After all...I'm not a fan of puking at boot camp. ;)
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