I am rather proud of the fact that I can now do 20 push-ups in a row. Not the girly-on-your-knees kind of push-ups either. The real kind that strong people do with personal trainers. This may only be impressive if you've ever seen my biceps...or lack thereof. My biceps are roughly the size of a 1/2 a standard hot dog bun, or the size of a large bar of soap, or a small russet potato. That is to say...20 push-ups is a pretty big accomplishment for me.
Now. My brother is in the U.S. Air Force and 20 push-ups is nothing to him. In fact it shouldn't even be a big deal for me because the truth is 20 push-ups doesn't even begin to cover what I need to be able to do. See, I have a good friend who likes to run "boot camps" and "power hikes" when it's warm out. (Read: likes to physically torture the rest of us with extreme exercise.) The theme of the work outs is: Unless you puke, faint, or die...keep going. And yes, I have puked already. During a power hike up a mountain I almost fainted, but I made us stop at least 10 times so I could make my heart rate go down. After the boot camps, my thighs, my pectoral muscles, my calves, and my arms ached like nothing I've experienced before. Going down stairs was a treacherous journey as I felt I couldn't support my own weight given the jelly-like state of my legs. 20 push-ups? Yeah, doesn't quite cut it in boot camp.
But the coolest part about boot camps and power hikes is the incredible endorphin high I get right after words. It feels great! More running and muscle conditioning? Bring it on! Hike the mountain again after we just got back down? Ya you betcha! And even better than the endorphin rush is the sense of accomplishment I get to bask in for a few days. Looking back on all I was able to push my body through and knowing it is healthy for me to exercise in that way, makes it all worth it. It grows self confidence in me. I know I can do it again and maybe even a little more if I tried harder.
Up until last week I was completely at peace with the whole fund raising aspect of this trip to Mongolia. Sure I had a lot of money yet to raise, but I had complete trust that God was going to provide for me in His timing. It might take until the day before I leave, but He would provide if he wanted me to be across the ocean. I think this peace and trust stemmed from that provision that God has shown me in the past. He has provided the funds on all the other trips I have taken. He provided me my past two jobs in amazing ways right when I needed them. He always knows what I need and when I most need it even when I am most focused on what I want. God's name to me has been Jehovah Jireh: "The God who Provides". Trusting God is a beautiful place to be in. And I was resting comfortably in it.
But God then pushed me to the next level.
After finally remembering to get my oil changed (say 2,000 miles past the 5,000 mile recommendation), the nice mechanic man told me I needed to replace my brakes and outer tierods in my car. (Don't know what I tierod is? Neither did I. But apparently it keeps the tires facing straight forward in the direction of the car's frame. Broken tierods mean the tires can flip out perpendicular to the car frame. Not Good At All.) So. Of course I needed to get them fixed as soon as I could.
In addition to that, I was just about to purchase my plane ticket to Mongolia. I didn't have all the money for the ticket saved up yet, but I knew I could make up the difference in time.
And then it dawned on me. I had to pay for both expensive expenses. At. The. Same. Time. I was not prepared to do that. I had the money...but things were going to get real tight for a long time afterward. So. I did what I am am expert at doing.
I freaked out.
I was trying to figure out if I could live on ramen noodles for the next three months so I could put more money back into my bank account. I was imagining what would happen if I suddenly had a health crisis with an already drained supply of funds. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to fund the trip to Mongolia at all. I thought about the fact that I was going to be coming back from Mongolia unemployed and without a place to live (besides my parents' house). If I did end up getting into vet school, that was only going to increase my amount of debt. Oh yeah. I am perfectly fine tuned to freak out. I am a pro at it. Worst case scenarios? I am really good at making myself believe that they are probably going to happen.
Trust in God's timing and provision? Yeah totally forgot about that. My "Jehovah Jireh" ? - Sure he provided in the past, but this? This did not look anywhere near safety and security. I know it is a "common life experience" to have to take out more money than originally planned. Most people experience things similar to my unplanned expenses and they manage to get through them somehow and bounce back eventually. But since I am relatively new to this whole "being an adult" routine, I still felt the need to complain and worry about it.
At some point in my "freak out mode", God finally wedged a thought into my head in the midst of the chaotic panicky feelings I was having. He reminded me of who He was and who I was. First off, he is totally in control and not surprised at all about my car having to get repaired. He owns "the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:9-11). He has limitless resources and stores. God out of everyone is more than perfectly able to provide for my needs and come up with some extra thousand dollars if he chose to do so. It's all his anyhow...everything on earth ultimately belongs to Him in the end. I'm just using some of it on loan so to speak. And even though he hasn't caused a bag with thousands of dollars to miraculously show up on my door step, He will only allow things to happen in my life that he will use to strengthen me, refine me, and to bring about more praise and honor for himself. I belong to Him and He loves me immensely...so why should I fear what he has planned for me? If that means someday I end up homeless with no money at all, He is still in control and has good plans for me. The truth of the matter is that having to pay for fix my car and the plane ticket is not nearly as bad as I made it out to be.
Oh my soul, oh you of little faith! Who or what do I need to fear? I wish I could have taken it all in stride and trusted God from the get go. The good news is that God always gives me another chance...always lifts me up and has compassion on the fearful nature of my heart. I am at peace again. It is going to be close - getting the funds that I need for this trip. It is going to be tight - rebudgetting my finances wisely and living simply for a while. But he is still Jehovah Jireh...even when I don't remember it. It was easy to trust in the comfortable situations and times. It is more difficult, more trying to trust in uncomfortable circumstances. And yet, He is teaching me that He is faithful, he is still Good, he is still in control and has a plan in the harder times. I had learned to be at peace on one level...God is simply taking me to another ladder rung of trust. He is preparing me for something infinitely greater...more satisfying...healthier for my soul: Unbroken trust in His love and loving plans for me. Oh that I could fully rely on Him for everything and trust Him no matter what happens! Oh that fear would no longer get a foothold into my heart and mind!
Trust in easy days is good. Until you need to trust in harder times. 20 push-ups are great. Until you have to go to boot camp. So in the meantime I will be trying to do at least 22 push-ups and perhaps some running. After all...I'm not a fan of puking at boot camp. ;)
May 22, 2011
May 8, 2011
The Two Halves
A close friend asked me the other day what I was most excited for and most fearful of regarding this trip to Mongolia. I've been trying to live a transparent life so that people can really see who I am at the core. Not holding back or trying to cover up the less than perfect areas. So I thought I'd share here what I shared with her. I know the things I am excited for, may turn out to be less amazing than I imagine them, and I hope that my fears will be swept away and replaced with peace. So, we shall see how these things actually play out in reality. Five months or so and I'll be on a plane...
Things I am really super crazy amazing excited for:
1) Trying all the new foods. I have heard that at least traditionally, and in the countryside, there's a lot of meat and dairy products. Well heck. That right up my alley! Mongolian cheeses? Sounds fantastic!
2) Experiencing and learning Mongolian culture. I love other cultures, learning about them and from them and discovering the beautiful things in all of them.
3) Meeting all vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families, and all the other people around me. I can't wait to get to know them, laugh with them, and hear their stories.
4) Teaching English...it'll be a new experience for me, but I like to teach things that I know, so it might be fun.
5) Leading Bible studies. Um. No explanation needed. This will probably be my favorite part. I just can't get enough Scripture and I hope to pass that passion on.
6) Getting more veterinary experience of course. Learning how vet medicine is done overseas. (Cuddling with puppies and kittens is also a perk that never gets old! Haha!)
7) Winter. I'm a Minnesotan. I love snow and cold. So, bring it on! I am actually excited to see if I can handle the Mongolian winters (average temperatures: -20 F. Yes. I know this makes me insane. Yes. I know I will probably eat these words in several months and start complaining about the cold.)
Things I am a little nervous about and cautiously expectant of:
1) Trying the new foods. I am a picky eater. Whenever I travel overseas, I end up getting sick and nauseous to some degree. I don't want to be rude culturally, but I don't want to gag at the table either...so...um...yeah.
2) Living in Mongolian culture. I love learning about and experiencing other cultures. But living in a different one is something else. Much as I try to leave my culture behind and become the culture I am entering, some days it is so hard to continue in that. Sometimes I think I'm going to need to have a few hours of just being American...maybe eating oreos and having a dance party in my room to some Ke$ha music.
3) Meeting all the vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families and all the people around me. I'm a slightly socially awkward introvert. I'm not crazy about meeting tons of new people. It kinda freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. I'm afraid that I won't connect to people in Mongolia, won't establish close friendships, and afraid I'll feel really isolated from everyone there. I'm afraid of losing connections and community back home. I'm afraid of not being there for my close friends, not being able to support them and love on them like I normally would. I'm afraid of missing them so much...
4) Teaching English. Let's just say that last time I had to "teach" English in East Asia in an informal setting it drained me mentally and emotionally like nothing I've experienced before. It's going to be hard. This I know for sure. I don't speak Mongolian, though I am learning little by little. It's a very difficult language for me to learn thus far. I'm afraid I troubles in communication will hinder my ability to form close relationships with my students.
5) Leading Bible studies. I'm always nervous, even here at home that no one will show up to my Bible studies. Again, the cultural/language barrier could make things difficult as well. I want this time to be really meaningful, but I'm always afraid it will turn out terrible or ineffective.
6) Getting more veterinary experience. I am almost positive there will be differences between my current American veterinary experiences and those I have in Mongolia. My fear is not that it will be a bad experience but that I will not have an open mind. I am afraid that pride will take over my mind and heart in this area and I know I will need humility for sure. I'm also afraid I won't have time to connect with the American vets there and therefore won't be able to gain valuable insights from them.
7) Winter. (On a lighter note...) Frostbite is never fun no matter where you're from. I can't sleep with cold feet. So. I need to find lots of wool socks. Ha. Though in all honesty, I am least afraid of winter than of anything else listed! (Minnesota how I love thy winters!)
As you may have noticed my excitements and fears are two fold. They're two halves of my emotions. What I am brimming with joy about, I am also hesitantly awaiting with light anxiousness. I have no idea what God is going to teach me or how He is going to grow me. All I know is I have this feeling in my core that this trip is going to challenge me, stretch me, like nothing has before. I can't explain it rationally, it just feels that way. Now is the breath intake before a scream. I do know that I want my faith to increase, I long to grow more like who Jesus is molding me to be, I yearn to know and love Him better. I also know that growth requires pain and difficulty. If I never pushed myself physically, I would never improve my muscular strength. No. It takes pain and burning acid in my muscles to grow them. Likewise, I feel that this up coming season of life will be one of growth...and one of pain. I am trying to prepare myself accordingly therefore. I keep reminding myself now of God's promises that have held true in the past for me. Keep reacquainting myself of who I am in Him. Refocusing my purpose to His purposes. We shall see...I cannot wait to write a victory story here. I cannot wait to come back and tell the stories of what great things He has done!
Until that day I can only get ready. I have taken up language learning again. It is slow. Mongolian is very similar to Russian in many ways, but also similar grammatically to Japanese and Korean. (This is why, as you may well imagine, I am having difficulty!) I can almost remember how to count to 10 (I get stuck on 2 every time dang it! But I know the other 9 numbers...) Also. I know the number 55. It is my favorite because I can remember it. "Tevan Tav". So hopefully I will be able to use it at some point. "How many chocolates would I like to eat? Tevan Tav." :) Haha! I also know how to good bye. So until later, "Bayartai!"
Things I am really super crazy amazing excited for:
1) Trying all the new foods. I have heard that at least traditionally, and in the countryside, there's a lot of meat and dairy products. Well heck. That right up my alley! Mongolian cheeses? Sounds fantastic!
2) Experiencing and learning Mongolian culture. I love other cultures, learning about them and from them and discovering the beautiful things in all of them.
3) Meeting all vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families, and all the other people around me. I can't wait to get to know them, laugh with them, and hear their stories.
4) Teaching English...it'll be a new experience for me, but I like to teach things that I know, so it might be fun.
5) Leading Bible studies. Um. No explanation needed. This will probably be my favorite part. I just can't get enough Scripture and I hope to pass that passion on.
6) Getting more veterinary experience of course. Learning how vet medicine is done overseas. (Cuddling with puppies and kittens is also a perk that never gets old! Haha!)
7) Winter. I'm a Minnesotan. I love snow and cold. So, bring it on! I am actually excited to see if I can handle the Mongolian winters (average temperatures: -20 F. Yes. I know this makes me insane. Yes. I know I will probably eat these words in several months and start complaining about the cold.)
Things I am a little nervous about and cautiously expectant of:
1) Trying the new foods. I am a picky eater. Whenever I travel overseas, I end up getting sick and nauseous to some degree. I don't want to be rude culturally, but I don't want to gag at the table either...so...um...yeah.
2) Living in Mongolian culture. I love learning about and experiencing other cultures. But living in a different one is something else. Much as I try to leave my culture behind and become the culture I am entering, some days it is so hard to continue in that. Sometimes I think I'm going to need to have a few hours of just being American...maybe eating oreos and having a dance party in my room to some Ke$ha music.
3) Meeting all the vet students, veterinarians, nomadic families and all the people around me. I'm a slightly socially awkward introvert. I'm not crazy about meeting tons of new people. It kinda freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. I'm afraid that I won't connect to people in Mongolia, won't establish close friendships, and afraid I'll feel really isolated from everyone there. I'm afraid of losing connections and community back home. I'm afraid of not being there for my close friends, not being able to support them and love on them like I normally would. I'm afraid of missing them so much...
4) Teaching English. Let's just say that last time I had to "teach" English in East Asia in an informal setting it drained me mentally and emotionally like nothing I've experienced before. It's going to be hard. This I know for sure. I don't speak Mongolian, though I am learning little by little. It's a very difficult language for me to learn thus far. I'm afraid I troubles in communication will hinder my ability to form close relationships with my students.
5) Leading Bible studies. I'm always nervous, even here at home that no one will show up to my Bible studies. Again, the cultural/language barrier could make things difficult as well. I want this time to be really meaningful, but I'm always afraid it will turn out terrible or ineffective.
6) Getting more veterinary experience. I am almost positive there will be differences between my current American veterinary experiences and those I have in Mongolia. My fear is not that it will be a bad experience but that I will not have an open mind. I am afraid that pride will take over my mind and heart in this area and I know I will need humility for sure. I'm also afraid I won't have time to connect with the American vets there and therefore won't be able to gain valuable insights from them.
7) Winter. (On a lighter note...) Frostbite is never fun no matter where you're from. I can't sleep with cold feet. So. I need to find lots of wool socks. Ha. Though in all honesty, I am least afraid of winter than of anything else listed! (Minnesota how I love thy winters!)
As you may have noticed my excitements and fears are two fold. They're two halves of my emotions. What I am brimming with joy about, I am also hesitantly awaiting with light anxiousness. I have no idea what God is going to teach me or how He is going to grow me. All I know is I have this feeling in my core that this trip is going to challenge me, stretch me, like nothing has before. I can't explain it rationally, it just feels that way. Now is the breath intake before a scream. I do know that I want my faith to increase, I long to grow more like who Jesus is molding me to be, I yearn to know and love Him better. I also know that growth requires pain and difficulty. If I never pushed myself physically, I would never improve my muscular strength. No. It takes pain and burning acid in my muscles to grow them. Likewise, I feel that this up coming season of life will be one of growth...and one of pain. I am trying to prepare myself accordingly therefore. I keep reminding myself now of God's promises that have held true in the past for me. Keep reacquainting myself of who I am in Him. Refocusing my purpose to His purposes. We shall see...I cannot wait to write a victory story here. I cannot wait to come back and tell the stories of what great things He has done!
Until that day I can only get ready. I have taken up language learning again. It is slow. Mongolian is very similar to Russian in many ways, but also similar grammatically to Japanese and Korean. (This is why, as you may well imagine, I am having difficulty!) I can almost remember how to count to 10 (I get stuck on 2 every time dang it! But I know the other 9 numbers...) Also. I know the number 55. It is my favorite because I can remember it. "Tevan Tav". So hopefully I will be able to use it at some point. "How many chocolates would I like to eat? Tevan Tav." :) Haha! I also know how to good bye. So until later, "Bayartai!"