I was fine. Just fine. Until I discovered that my peace was a flimsy house of cards. All it took was the slightest breeze to topple it over.
I was fine. Just fine. Except then the ears of envy perked up, the yellow slit eyes of selfishness refocused on their prey, and the venomous fangs of bitterness pierced through to my bloodstream.
All it took were a few words. A short text message. "Hey! Guess what? I found out I'm accepted into vet school!" A casual friend's dream had finally come true. But I...I could not be happy for her. I sent her a text message back, "Congrats! That's so exciting! I'm so happy for you! Yay!" But it was a lie. In my heart I was already poisoned and cornered by the envy, selfishness, and bitterness suddenly, instantaneously, stirred in me.
They propelled my thoughts where I didn't want them to go:
How come she got in and I didn't? It's not fair. This is my dream too. This is what I have longed for, for so long. How come she's better than me? Why...why wasn't I accepted? I should have applied to more schools to increase my chances getting in. What am I doing with my life right now? Working. I'm wasting my time. Going to school is what matters, working this job isn't what I want to do; it won't get me where I want to go. Mongolia...what on earth? It's not worth it. It's just a waste of time. I should be in school learning dang it! Mongolia...who even cares. It's only second best; doesn't even compare to living my dream. All I want to do is be in vet school. I can't waste my life...I'm already behind as it is. No. No how can I be happy for her, I deserve it more than her...
and so my thoughts grew more and more dangerous.
But God. But God was there to catch me as I fell off that ledge. He caught my scattered house of cards blowing in the wind. Picked them up. Put them in the box they came in. And began to lay his own more solid bricks and shining beams of steel in their place. He gave an antidote for bitterness' poison and drove off hungry envy and selfishness. I was left alive, intact, but so very humbled.
God reminded me why I am where I am in life. Why I'm not in vet school right now. See, it's his plan A. This is what he planned for me from the beginning. He could have gotten me into vet school the first time around. Instead he steered me towards a job I desperately needed to develop me into someone stronger and more like him. He's taking me to Mongolia because that's where he wants me...for my ultimate good, for hope and a future. In his mind, I'm not wasting my time at all...I'm on His time-clock, not my own. He knows my heart, my deepest desires. He knows that ultimately, He alone can satisfy them. When really look hard into the waters of my heart...it's his face that reflects there. My desire is for Him. Vet school will never fill me, never satisfy me, never give me meaning and purpose...even as much as it is a part of who I am, even as much as I love that career. I've learned that only He, my Jesus, can really fill me. I've been at the top before and I've gotten just what I desired before...and let me tell you, it is vastly empty. There is always something more to attain...something lacking...even at the top.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9
I so I had to confess that my contentment was not based on His plans after all. My peace in my situation was founded on everyone else around me not getting into vet school too, as shamefully selfish as that is. But now, he has humbled me. And I am grateful for it. I am going to Mongolia, this is where He is taking me. And that is the best place for me to be: straight in the middle of his will. Once he had tossed envy, selfishness, and bitterness aside, I came to my senses. What an amazing adventure awaits me! I cannot wait to meet the Mongolian people! I do not know what he will do around me, in me, or through me...but I can't wait to find that out either! There will always be time for vet school...but this, this is where I am now. I'm back on track. I'm headed to Mongolia and I can't wait!
My friend, let me say again, and this time in truth: Congratulations! God is taking you to vet school! What a wonderful blessing! Someday I hope to follow you! In the meantime, I am finally at peace...at real peace, again.
*Side Note: I have called my travel agent and started working towards getting a plane ticket to and from Mongolia! The only hitch, is that it is too early to purchase a return plane ticket as currently it is more than a year in advance. Crazy. In any case, the planning has started. The first of my monthly newsletters have been mailed too. In the meantime, I wish you all lush blossoming crab apple trees...or whatever it is that excites you about spring. :)
