It’s funny how sometimes two people who experience the same thing come away with completely different stories about it. During my two weeks in Arkhangai, I’m not sure what my 5 teammates learned on the trip, what surprised them, what was difficult, what was encouraging, or the ways God spoke to them. However. I would be willing to bet they learned something completely different than I did. Because I am almost 100% sure our experiences were entirely different even though we were in the same place.
When we were first driving to Arkhangai (let’s say 2 hours into the trip) I had this bursting excitement that we were God’s ambassadors carrying the most precious thing on earth to these rural communities and I was so excited to share God’s love and truth with the people I met. We did share God’s love and truth and people’s lives were touched. But now I’m not sure that’s why God brought me specifically on this trip.
Let’s be real. I can’t speak more than 10 sentences in Mongolian. I understand just as much when I am listening to Mongolian being spoken. And so, after I’ve introduced myself, shared my age, where I come from, talked about my family and what I do here, learned what the rural Mongolians’ names are…after that…well, my part in the conversations were done.
I obviously couldn’t give seminars. I did teach an English song twice to the high school students for fun, but that was my only “official” purpose on the trip. In fact, when we visited families or met with other Christians, I couldn’t even have conversations with them unless someone wanted to translate for me, but mostly there wasn’t a lot of time for that. I could talk to my team because they speak English…but it isn’t helpful or good time management to always be translating. And so I couldn’t understand what they were saying at all. I just sat there. Language is a funny thing. You don’t know how much you rely on it until you can’t use it.
Even our Bible reading times every morning with my teammates were almost all in Mongolian and not translated. So I couldn’t even share in those special times with them. And I got a little bitter about it. I kept thinking, “Why aren’t they including me?” And then I was hurt inside. I felt somehow inferior and like I really shouldn’t be there. It was like I was just taking up space you know? And every time something was translated for me, I just felt worse like it was a burden to them to have to translate for me. I felt so isolated, so alone, so useless, so inferior. And all because I couldn’t participate in any of the teaching, encouragement, conversations, seminars...anything.
And so, I began to seriously wonder “Why am I here God? Why am I on this trip?…I can’t contribute anything of worth. I can’t do anything. I’m just an awkward burden. And all of this makes me feel so incredibly isolated from every person around me.”
It was sometime in the middle of feeling really isolated, alone, useless time that I began to realize that finally God was teaching me humility and breaking down my pride.
How could I have had pride when nothing was about me and nothing depended on me? I was completely in the background…and it hurt…but it was good for me. I can’t take credit for any of the success and amazing things that happened. I was completely dependent on my team for everything. From language and understanding what was happening and who people were, to telling me what we were doing next.
I finally realized I had to take on the mentality of a servant…not to belittle myself or my worth, but to remember that I was here to serve my team…not to have them serve me. That was the first mental and heart shift I had to make. I remembered that I was there to support and encourage my teammates as much as I could. This was at least a purpose I could have and way I could participate on the trip.
So, I began to pray for them all the time. Or rather I tried to. It is so difficult for me to not daydream in the middle of praying. And after a certain amount of time, I’d sort of run out of ideas or things to pray for. And if I wasn’t praying, I looked for ways to help out, like washing dishes or sweeping the ger. It was so humbling. I was still in the background, still isolated, and I was immersed in my role as a servant. However. God wasn’t done yet.
Because sometimes I even have had pride in doing things for people – you know? I so often find worth and value in the fact that I can contribute, help and do something for someone else. I am always the strong one, the one who can help others. And in my heart I’m prideful about it. Additionally I put part of my self worth in it.
But in the Arkhangai, God stripped me even of this. It turned out that I really didn’t have very many times to “do things” for other people. For the most part, they served me. My teammates showed me where things were, how to do things, told me what people were saying. They even had to show me how to wash my hair since we had no sink or shower!
And this all culminated in one final collapse of my pride when I got strep throat. To my best knowledge I have only had strep throat once before and I was young enough not to really remember it. And now I know for sure that I never want to experience it again. To be brief – I was completely miserable and weak. There was no way I could take care of myself. Raging fevers and the almost complete inability to swallow and talk topped the list of “I’ve never felt this aweful or helpless in my life” events.
And so. I had to submit to everyone taking care of me around the clock for two straight days. I couldn’t even put up a fight to explain that I’d be fine and I didn’t need their help. It is so humbling to be served and to let other people help me and take care of me. I normally want to be strong and independent, but this time I couldn't. I learned to take the seat and position of someone who needs help and takes instruction and advice without arguing or insisting on my way. It was hard. I didn’t like the feeling one tiny bit. But. It was good for me. However. God wasn’t done yet. He took it another step further still…
At this point I was really sick, but not delirious enough from my fevers to realize that I did indeed have strep throat. (As a microbiologist I recognized that white spots ALL OVER my very swollen red angry tonsils is NOT a good sign and is definitely more than a “sore throat”.) I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there were about 100 different ways and places I could have gotten Streptococcus pyogenes bacteria in the countryside. Other people had different theories however. When my teammates explained that my sore throat was probably because I had gotten too cold outside from not wearing my warmest socks and shoes, my instinct was to argue and try to explain that it didn’t work that way.
But when God is teaching you humility, funny things start to happen.
I learned to submit to people even if I did know more. I had to love them by respecting them. So like when they insisted that I wear more layers because I was an American and not used to the cold, even though I knew I would, in all honesty, be fine, I went back inside to put on more layers. Because in Mongolian culture I needed to show them respect and honor because they are older than me.
In American culture, I’m so used to arguing and fighting the point…”No really. I’ll be fine. I can take care of myself, thank you very much for the offer, but I’m fine on my own.” In Arkhangai, I realized it’s like saying “I know better than you and so I’m going to exercise that authority and knowledge over you.” We’re so independent…we are so assertive…and it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s good you know? But other times, it’s worth it to just listen to others and let them have the last say.
And so instead of making a point that I knew better than they did. I learned to submit and be humble instead of prideful…even when maybe I did know better. They so wanted to take care of me that I wanted to honor and respect their care…not throw it aside and disregard it by asserting my own strength and abilities.
So. While I am absolutely sure the cold didn’t make me sick, I promised to wear more socks from then on so that they would be honored and so that they wouldn’t worry about me. It’s a completely different way of thinking from American culture that’s for sure. I think I’ll even take this practice back home with me. It’s changed me for sure.
Some might call me submissive, without a backbone, and a bit of a pushover. But it’ll be willfully done. Now I’m choosing to back down on purpose.
Anyways, I think this is what God meant when he said we shouldn’t do anything with selfish motives, or vanity or pride, but instead we should consider others better than ourselves. (I love that Paul, who wrote the part about being humble in the book called Philippians in the Bible) used the word ‘consider’. It’s as if you could say “consider others better than yourself”…even if they aren’t better.) We’re supposed to pay attention to their best interests as well as our own. It’s a hard lesson, but it’s good.
Truthfully, outside my personal feelings of isolation and bitterness, our team had so much unity and love for each other. We really were like family because no one was “the boss”. And after I put myself mentally in the role of a servant and let myself be the least and let myself be weak and intentionally be taken care of…then all of a sudden, my heart didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel excluded anymore. I still couldn’t understand 80% of stuff going on and being said, I still couldn’t really participate, but it was ok then. It didn’t hurt my heart anymore. I was ok in the background. It’s not about me and what I can do anymore.
Later I found out that I was quite the ice-breaker. I was so easy for my team to start conversations with the students and couples and various families because they all started off by asking about the blonde foreigner who spoke a little Mongolian. It was way easier for them to build trust and relationships with people. I am not sure if I am flattered by being an ice-breaker and conversation starter, but it’s something I wasn’t even aware of during the trip.
So for me, the trip wasn’t about the seminars or the beautiful scenery, or even about making cool friendships, or about the amazing ways lives were changed. I think I got to go on the trip because God knew it was a perfect way to teach me humility and break apart my pride (not to say I’m not prideful anymore, but it’s a step in the right direction).
So you see, God did amazing things in the lives of the people in rural Arkhangai. But he took along a head-strong, independent, prideful American girl to break her like a wild colt. Humility is one of the most bitter bits to wear, but when you stop bucking and fighting the one in the saddle, the ride through those Mongolian mountains is one of the most peaceful and freeing you’ll ever know.
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